Xena
Warrior Theologian of the Year
The Door
July/August 1999 Issue Nš165
Thanks to Chris for getting this article.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. What's a poor religious humor and satire magazine to do? So many choices for Theologian of the Year for 1999.

In any normal year, the pious religious sentiments about ethnic cleansing expressed by Slobodan ("Call me Slob") Milosevic would have won, hands-down.

Or maybe President Bill ("Call me Bill") Clinton's late-blooming religious faith following his cathartic spiritual encounters with Monica ("Call me anytime") Lewinsky would have nabbed the coveted Golden Calf.

George Lucas turned our pretty little heads by telling us that Darth Vader was born of a virgin in The Phantom Menace.

The Rev. Jerry ("Call me a loose cannon") Falwell made a late bid with the whole Teletubby brouhaha.

And former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ("Call out the tanks!") Netanyahu's religious justufications for his actions regarding the Palestinians made for some colorful reading.

But the winner was never really in doubt.

"Xena: Warrior Princess" is The Door's Theologian of the Year. Like a late-charging filly at Churchill Downs, Xena just kept hacking away until she pulled into the lead.

Oh, she's made tentative charges in the past. In the first few years of "Xena: Warrior Princess", Xena has had deeply spiritual interaction with various Greek and Roman Gods and Goddesses. Then she split them from stern to gullet. Lucy Lawless (who plays Xena) sings a Jewish funeral dirge (the Kadesh) in "The Path Not Taken".

And in several episodes, she's encountered proeminent figures from the Old Testament, including retelling the stories of Abraham and Isaac, David and Goliath and Moses by the bullrushes. Our personal favorite is the episode titled "Destiny" where she's even crucified and the soldiers are commanded to break her legs!

But nothing could have prepared the casual viewer for "The Way". In this particular episode, Xena takes on the Hindu pantheon and even slaps Hanuman (the great Ram-Bhakta) around.

Now that's evangelism!

Here's a snippet from that classic episode. In it, Xena and Hanuman are trying to get Krishna to notice them:

HANUMAN: We need to get his attention.

XENA: How do we do that?

HANUMAN: With these Gods, sometimes you've got to try something unusual.

XENA: Like what?

HANUMAN: What Krishna needs is for someone to call upon him who doesn't respect Gods, doesn't trust them, doesn't like them, someone who thinks he doesn't need them.

XENA: You want me to pray?

HANUMAN: Yes.

XENA: (drops to her knees) Alright, what's he into? Chanting? Sacrifices?

Heh heh. That Xena. What a card. Guess what? Krishna does show up.

XENA: Krishna, thank you for coming. Where's Hanuman?

KRISHNA: I asked him to step outside. I thought it best we be alone for this.

XENA: For what? We ARE going after Gabrielle and Eli, right?

KRISHNA: How do you expect to defeat Indrajit?

XENA: I couldn't without your help.

KRISHNA: But I can't help unless you help me.

XENA: (impatient) I'm not one for cryptic talk. Get to the point.

Xena, bless her pointy little breasplate, still isn't convinced. Finally she decides to go out and kick some Indrajit butt by her lonesome.

Krishna then blesses her with his left hand:

KRISHNA: Go. Rise up like fire and burn all that oppose you. And if you're following the path of the way, call my name and the strenght to defeat Indrajit will be given to you. Are you ready?

Can you believe it? THE WORLD'S ONE BILLION HINDUS ARE MIFFED OVER THIS? They boycotted "Xena: Warrior Princess". They've written letters. They've threatened avertisers. They've shaken their tambourines.

According to Tusta ("Call me Tus") Krishnadas, press secretary of the World Vaishnava Association. "The Way" is seriously offensive to Hindus for several different reasons:

1. It treats Lord Krishna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, speaker of the scripture Bhagavada-gita, as fictional.

2. The script implies that Xena and Gabrielle are aardvarkin' around.

3. Xena beats Hanuman (a pure devotee and servant of the Lord - who wouldn't leave Lord Rama anyway) like a red-headed stepchild.

4. When Indrajit cuts off Xena's arms, she says "Krishna" and he transforms her into the Goddess Kali.

That's all? For that a billion people put down their saffron rice and boycotted Cheerios?!

Instead of denouncing Xena, folks need to be praising Xena. Why? Here are six dang good reasons:

Numero Uno: Xena sets a good example for other religious types. She prays in "The Way". She prays in "Remeber Nothing" in the Temple of Fates. In "Return of Callisto", she prays to an unseen "anyone listening" by saying "Please don't let that light that shines out of her (Gabrielle's) face go out. I couldn't stand the darkness that would follow."

Numero Two-o: As Dana Hlusko points out, Xena frequently lays her life on the line for her friends. "Greater love hath no (wo)man than this, that (s)he lay her life down for his/her friend." (John 15:13)

Numero Three-o: Writer Candace Chellew cites Xena as the perfect example of an Isaiah 1:16 woman ("...remove the evil of your doings from before my eyes, cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.") In short, she defends anyone under attack and asks questions later. Hack first, think later.
Chellew also says that Xena never turns down a chance to do good. This is an important lesson in selflessness. If that had been Xena on the road to Jericho, not only would she have helped the dude that had been beaten and robbed by thieves, she would have stalked the thieves and separated their thieving hands from their godless thieving bodies.

Numero Four-o: Xena epitomizes something bigger and better than ourselves. "I think it's tapping into a hunger for myth, a hunger for something to nurture the spirit," says Dr. James Rush, chairman of philosophy and religion at the unfortunately named Philander Smith College in Little Rock, Ark. (Where else?)
How much bigger and better? U.S Secretary of State Madeleine Albright - and only Jane Reno is bigger or badder thatn Maddie - has publicly declared her adoration of "Xena: Warrior Princess."

Numero Five-o: Xena's just like us.
Only better looking. And smarter. Sure, she falters on occasion. Like sometimes when the dark side takes over, she accidentally slaughters entire villages. But she always feels really, really bad about it later. As Christians, when we mess up and feel bad about it, God forgives us. Take away the hotties, the leather skirts, and the big swords, and "Xena: Warrior Princess" is about redemption.

And Numero Six-o: And this is the big one. This is why Xena, not Slobodan, not Bill, not Ben, not George and not even Jerry, is The Door's Theologian of the Year and will recieve, with all the appropriate ceremony following a gala buffet (with cash bar) at the fabled Lion's Den in Waco, Texas, the coveted Golden Calf.
Xena brings back that old time religion. What better way for your religion to ultimately succeed THAN TO KILL ALL OF THE GODS FROM COMPETING RELIGIONS?! Forget the Four Spiritual Laws, go out and bash Brahma, stick a shiv to Shiva, vivisect Vishna, ramshackle Rama, and do something bad starting with "g" to Ganesa.
And when you're done with the Hindus, take your full armor of God and smite the Moslems, Buddhists (which shouldn't take more than a long weekend), Shintoists, Mormons, and Unitarians!
It's been done before.
Think of the Crusades.
Think of the Spanish Inquisition.
Think of the Protestant missionaries in Hawaii.
Heck, it is going on today in the Holy Land, Northern Ireland, Indonesia, Rwanda, and a dozen other places around in this big beutiful world of ours.

To "Xena: Warrior Princess", for bringing back old time religius and family values, we proudly name you The Door's Theologian of the Year!